My heart was sore, but I pretended to be tough

12th of August. After a year of waiting, and waiting.. finally I was back home for a month. I touched down in KLIA wearing a big grin on my face, because Malaysia is where I came from, I belong here. I remember I was very anxious and excited at the airport, it was a mixture of emotions that can't be explained in words. I waited at the baggage reclaim point, hoping to be the first to collect my baggage, and also the first one to throw a big hug to my beloved family members, who were already waiting for a long time. As I was pushing my luggage trolley to the meet up point, deep down I was only hoping for one simple wish, I was hoping that everything remains the same. But very soon the reality came crashing down, I saw the significant changes that I hated very much. I couldn't help but to notice more wrinkles at the corner of those tired eyes. My heart was sore, but I pretended to be tough. 


13th of August. I woke up this morning sniffing on the pillow where my head was laid, and I smiled. I knew I wasn't living in a dream this time, because I recognised the old and distinctive scent on my pillow. I spent the rest of the day with the family reminiscing the past, sharing and listening to each other's stories. All of a sudden, I was showered with so much unconditional love again. But time flew past us in a blink of an eye, and I told myself to be thankful. 


20th of August. Today, I woke up extra early because I was going for a road trip to Penang island with the family over the weekend. My father's car was loaded with food, more food and a huge keyboard for my sister who's now living and working on the island. Sitting in the car with my little brother, I looked out of the window and started to think for my future. The future could be filled with different possibilities and it's unpredictable, and I thought if I plan too much ahead it might be ended up with only disappointment. Hence, I gave up and went to sleep. It was drizzling that day, I reached my destination around 12 noon and had a brief lunch at the temple, where my sister was volunteering at. I noticed something different about her, she was doing very well in both her working and social life, at some point I thought she was glowing. 


21st of August. Last night, my sister brought the family out for dinner at Healy Mac's in Straits Quay. She treated the family a meal with her first monthly salary just like promised. After a satisfying meal, we decided to have a walk at the flea market by the seaside. The sea breeze was comforting and it was a perfect combination with a gentle smell of salt. It was just the right moment. 


27th of August. I spent my second weekend here on the island. I was emotional over the week, many complications were bothering me and I couldn't find the light to the problems. At night, I talked to my mother on the balcony and it made me wonder when was the last time I had such heart-to-heart talk to her. I came to the realisation that it's been a year, I haven't had a pillow talk with my mother for a long time, and I certainly won't be spending most of my time with them in the coming year. If I were to stay and work in England, how much time do I have in each year to spend with them? I looked at my mother and gasped in disbelief. 


10th of September. I was grumpy and sad in the past few days. I don't know how to explain, it was a mixture of complicated feelings that I would call it a pre-departure syndrome. I lost cravings for food and all I wanted was to spend time with those who matter to me, let it be any time or anywhere. Today, my sister drove home to spend the last weekend with me before I leave to England again. I was really glad she came back because feeling complete was all I needed. I spent a whole day out with them, we had lunch, then dinner and supper. I was really happy, and deep down I was truly grateful for what I have. 


11th of September. The day had finally arrived. I couldn't believe time flew past us like the flash of lightning. Many things were left undone and many words were left unsaid. I was going to leave my comfort zone, a perfect zone where I could just be myself, a place where I could put down my mask. At the airport once again, my heart was sore, but I pretended to be tough. 

I will love them always and forever.