My heart was sore, but I pretended to be tough

12th of August. After a year of waiting, and waiting.. finally I was back home for a month. I touched down in KLIA wearing a big grin on my face, because Malaysia is where I came from, I belong here. I remember I was very anxious and excited at the airport, it was a mixture of emotions that can't be explained in words. I waited at the baggage reclaim point, hoping to be the first to collect my baggage, and also the first one to throw a big hug to my beloved family members, who were already waiting for a long time. As I was pushing my luggage trolley to the meet up point, deep down I was only hoping for one simple wish, I was hoping that everything remains the same. But very soon the reality came crashing down, I saw the significant changes that I hated very much. I couldn't help but to notice more wrinkles at the corner of those tired eyes. My heart was sore, but I pretended to be tough. 


13th of August. I woke up this morning sniffing on the pillow where my head was laid, and I smiled. I knew I wasn't living in a dream this time, because I recognised the old and distinctive scent on my pillow. I spent the rest of the day with the family reminiscing the past, sharing and listening to each other's stories. All of a sudden, I was showered with so much unconditional love again. But time flew past us in a blink of an eye, and I told myself to be thankful. 


20th of August. Today, I woke up extra early because I was going for a road trip to Penang island with the family over the weekend. My father's car was loaded with food, more food and a huge keyboard for my sister who's now living and working on the island. Sitting in the car with my little brother, I looked out of the window and started to think for my future. The future could be filled with different possibilities and it's unpredictable, and I thought if I plan too much ahead it might be ended up with only disappointment. Hence, I gave up and went to sleep. It was drizzling that day, I reached my destination around 12 noon and had a brief lunch at the temple, where my sister was volunteering at. I noticed something different about her, she was doing very well in both her working and social life, at some point I thought she was glowing. 


21st of August. Last night, my sister brought the family out for dinner at Healy Mac's in Straits Quay. She treated the family a meal with her first monthly salary just like promised. After a satisfying meal, we decided to have a walk at the flea market by the seaside. The sea breeze was comforting and it was a perfect combination with a gentle smell of salt. It was just the right moment. 


27th of August. I spent my second weekend here on the island. I was emotional over the week, many complications were bothering me and I couldn't find the light to the problems. At night, I talked to my mother on the balcony and it made me wonder when was the last time I had such heart-to-heart talk to her. I came to the realisation that it's been a year, I haven't had a pillow talk with my mother for a long time, and I certainly won't be spending most of my time with them in the coming year. If I were to stay and work in England, how much time do I have in each year to spend with them? I looked at my mother and gasped in disbelief. 


10th of September. I was grumpy and sad in the past few days. I don't know how to explain, it was a mixture of complicated feelings that I would call it a pre-departure syndrome. I lost cravings for food and all I wanted was to spend time with those who matter to me, let it be any time or anywhere. Today, my sister drove home to spend the last weekend with me before I leave to England again. I was really glad she came back because feeling complete was all I needed. I spent a whole day out with them, we had lunch, then dinner and supper. I was really happy, and deep down I was truly grateful for what I have. 


11th of September. The day had finally arrived. I couldn't believe time flew past us like the flash of lightning. Many things were left undone and many words were left unsaid. I was going to leave my comfort zone, a perfect zone where I could just be myself, a place where I could put down my mask. At the airport once again, my heart was sore, but I pretended to be tough. 

I will love them always and forever. 

Where am I heading to?

I'm standing on the cross road once again, not knowing which path to choose, and not knowing what's best for me. At times like this, I always hope for someone to make a good decision for me. Many people gave me different opinions, and every one of us looks at life from a different angle. So right now I learn to make my own decision, I can no longer depend on other people's decision because this is my life, and I have to live my own life.

Standing on the cross road, looking at the different pathways that lie ahead of me, I'm lost. Questions and more questions are lifted up to the surface, who? what? when? where? how?? The overwhelming number of questions is simply too much for me to take, I can't breathe. I hate myself when I'm indecisive and pessimistic. I was a naive and happy-go-lucky person. But things have changed, I haven't been acting like myself for some time now, I get emotional quickly and tend to avoid putting trust on other people. All lies, sometimes even unintentional lies are slowly killing away the 100% trust that I used to put in them. Therefore, I think twice before believing a person, and I'm never gonna be the same again...

It's time.

Living life to the fullest

Slow Dance

Have you ever watched kids

On a merry-go-round?

Or listened to the rain

Slapping on the ground?

Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight?

Or gazed at the sun into the fading night?

You better slow down,

Don't dance so fast.

Time is short,

The music won't last.

Do you run through each day

On the fly?

When you ask how are you?

Do you hear the reply?

When the day is done,

Do you lie in your bed

With the next hundred chores

Running through your head?

You'd better slow down,

Don't dance so fast.

Time is short,

The music won't last.

Ever told your child

We'll do it tomorrow?

And in your haste,

Not see his sorrow?

Ever lost touch,

Let a good friendship die?

Cause you never had time

To call and say 'Hi'?

You'd better slow down,

Don't dance so fast.

Time is short,

The music won't last.

When you run so fast to get somewhere,

You miss half the fun of getting there.

When you worry and hurry through your day,

It is like unopened gift thrown away.

Life is not a race,

Do take it slower.

Hear the music,

Before the song is over.

This beautiful poem was written by a special girl who will soon leave this world due to cancer. She has only six months left. She'll never make it to prom, graduate from high school, or get married and have a family of her own. But she wrote this poem, simply just to deliver a simple message to us, that is to 'live life to the fullest, slow down'.

I find this really meaningful and I hope to share her poem here with all my friends and everyone around me. The poem's right, life is not a race, slow down and see the world, you will learn something new that you never knew existed. The key word is appreciate.

When dream comes true

I never thought dreams come true, but now.. I have a bigger dream, and it's a little secret =)

Can we smile like we used to smile?

Some people develop negative ways of thinking and a phobia as a result of their past experiences. As time goes by and people grow up, we learn that many things do not happen according to our wishes. We moan, we cry and in pain, we started to doubt the God. Why? Why choose me? Does she deserve that kind of treatment? Are you blinded? Sometimes, it could be very harsh and heartbreaking.

As I was flipping through the old pictures of me and my friends, I noticed the change in the way we smile. From the second we met in Malaysia until now in England, it has almost been 3 years. 3 years is definitely not a short time, many things have happened in our daily lives and without realizing, we have also changed accordingly, and this process is called growing up.

I believe at some point in life when we feel almost contented and happy, something will be taken away from us, it could be something small but sometimes it could be so significant that the lost can leave a deep and permanent scar. And with the scar, we change. Sometimes when things happened, there is no turning back and our smiles can never be the same again.

This growing process plays a big part in life; the more we see, the more we learn about the reality of life. It's not as simple as we thought it should be. However, I believe that everything happens for a reason and we should take problems and obstacles in life as God's ways to make us more mature and smarter to be life survivors.

Lastly and most importantly, be grateful. =)

21 years ago...

When I was still a little pea, learning how to cut a cake, blow a candle and make a wish.

At times I hope to never grow up, because I don't want to be disappointed again and again as the reality crushes my small little dreams into a million pieces.

I hope to never grow old, because I'm so afraid to see them get older day after day.

However, when the reality steps in... I know.

I miss you, and sorry.

Love the earth

Love me by Yiruma

Enjoy and happy Easter =)